Dec, 17- saturday, later

Girls really suck. James is a freshman and his little freshman date crushed his heart. He asked her to dance and she said no. But when this Sophmore guy asked her to dance she practically jumped into his arms.

She never left the Sophmore guys side the whole night. He was embarrased. He went to talked to Nate about it, but Nate just brushed him off. Nate was busy with his date and didn't have time to deal with his little brother.

So what he did was hang out in the guys bathroom all night. He called me when the dance was over, asking me to pick them both up.

I noticed something was wrong by the way he was walking to the car. "What happened, James?" He looked out the window and said, "Girls are dumb. Sherry is stupid. Everything is stupid. I'm stupid. We're all stupid. What was I thinking?"

I didn't say anything. He needed alone time, and I gave it to him. Nate hopped into the car, having the best night of his life. "Guess what, Lindy!" I looked at him sitting in the passenger seat. "Samantha is my girlfriend! I asked her to be with me during the final dance and she said that she would love to. Isn't that great?"

I smiled at him and said, "yeah." When I glanced at the rear-view mirror my heart broke. He looked so lost. I'll talk to Nate when I get home. Maybe he can give him some advice or sumthing.

December 17, 2004- Saturday

Another lonely Saturday night. I dropped James and Nate off at a school dance. They were meeting their dates at the school. A week ago they asked me to drop them off because, "It is so embarassing to be dropped off by mommy and daddy at a school dance." With a statement like that, who can say no?

They are going to call when the dance is over. Glacier High School looked like... well, a glacier.

The theme was winter wonderland. Fake snow, snowflake cut-outs, and christmas lights were everywhere. As I dropped them off I saw Sally and her date. Sally rushed over to the car and greeted me, "Hello, Lindy."

I replied, "Hi, Sally." She grabbed her dates arm and brought him closer to the window "This is my date, David." I gave a little smile and said, "hello."

He looked at me and said, "Hey. Sally we really should get going. Since you are on the committee, you should be in there helping out." Sally smiled and said, "You are right, Davey. How about you stay out here with Lindy for awhile? I'll be right back."

That's right. She trapped me again. She ran off with her shawl flailing in the air. I looked up from the ground, he was staring at me. "I hate it when she calls me Davey.", he said suddenly. I shook my head slightly, "What?"

he smiled, "I know that was quite random." I smiled, "it was a little random." He inhaled deeply, "So, why aren't you going to the dance?" I looked away, "I didn't feel like it."

"If memory serves me right, you have never attended a dance." he said smirking. "Memory doesn't serve you right," I said quietly, "I went to one dance during Freshman year. That was more than enough socializing for my high school years."

I couldn't believe it. I was actually telling him things. What is wrong with me? The more people I let in, the more it will hurt.

"Really? I didn't know that you-" he said before i cut him off. "Yeah, no one really knew. Well, I have to go. It was nice meeting you. Goodbye."

He smiled, "You don't recognize me?" I looked at him puzzled. Was I supposed to know him? I picked a pebble with my shoe, "No, I don't." He cleared his throat, "What year is this car?"

Then it hit me. He was one of the parking lot guys. Interrogating me about my new/old car.

I smiled, "Oh now i remember. But I still have to go. Goodbye." I hopped into my car, started it, and left as quickly as possible.

Dec. 16, 2004- Friday

It's December. Most people would be worried about getting their family and friends presents. But I'm not. I do the same thing every year. It's been the same since I was five.

I make everyone their own special card. It's easy and cheap. You take things their interest and hobbies and put it on the card. Add a "Happy Holidays" and you'll be done. I should get started on making those.

I like strawberry ice cream. Vanilla is too plain and chocolate is too rich. Strawberry has just enough of both. Or those popsicles, with the strawberry pieces stuck on them. Those are the best.

Dec. 14th- Wednsday later

Being the person I am, i apologized. It wasn't spectacular. I passed her in the hall. Felt bad for yelling at her. I spun around tapped her on the shoulder and blurted out, "Sorry" and ran down the hall.

Why did I run? She didn't call after me. I was the bigger person right? Isn't that what they tell people who avoid conflict and just walk away?

Nate heard about the fight. I didn't realize that people were actually listening to me converse with Sally. We were in the middle of the hall after school. People should be leaving, not listening.

Nate said that Tommy told him that I got into a fist fight with Sally. That I pretty much scratched up her face, and started yelling at her about the posters and flyers. He looked at me excitedly, hoping that i had gotten into the fight. I rolled my eyes and said, "rumors are dumb."

I knew he wanted to know more. He wanted to know the details. How it started how it ended. But I'm not going to tell him. No one really needs to know. It's my business. Man, I feel like one of those actor/actresses who go onto talk shows and whine and moan about their non-existant private life.

Dec. 14th- Wednsday.

Having a conscious sucks. I couldn't fall asleep. everything was just bouncing around in my mind. I was mean, yes. She deserved it. She didn't explain herself and chose me to be the frontman of her new charity case.

That was inconsiderate of her. But, I shouldn't have crossed the line. She accomplished her goal. I talked to her. Wasn't that all she wanted? I may have spat out my fury, but she still won.

She pushed my buttons and I just lost.

Because of the incident I'm awake at 4 a.m. trying to decide wethere or not to apologize to her in 4 hours.

Dec. 13th- Tuesday

Sally, little miss prissy girl has made me her new project.

"Saving Lindy Campaign". The have buttons, flyers, posters. WHAT. I can't believe it. What are they trying to save me from? They all have a picture of me and urging people to talk to me.

This stuff is only supposed to happen in movies. Why is it happening to me? Well, good thing is that not alot of people are responding to it. The bad thing is that teachers are starting to notice me.

I have spent my life, trying to blend into the background and this happens. I was pist and upset. While I was in this state of anger, i talked to Sally.

"WELL! Hello Lindy!" Sally chirped, "How is your day going?" I rolled my eyes and stated, "I know you don't care about my day. Cut the crap, Sally. Why are you doing this? What did I ever do to you to deserve this kind of..."

"Attention?" Sally smirked, "You're an intelligent person-" I cut her off instantly, "You seemed intelligent, too. Too bad you had to pull this stupid stunt to prove me wrong."

Sally's jaw dropped, "Why don't you just try talking to people? you brush everyone off. Don't you know that people call you a freak?" I looked at her straight in the eye and said, "Maybe i am. Maybe i am a freak. Maybe you are a goody-goody. But I don't want to waste my time figuring it out. I'm at school to learn, not to play your stupid games."

I walked away. Angrier than i was when i started. I noticed that I didn't ask her one crucial question, "What are you trying to save me from."

Mac and cheese for dinner, I have to set the table.

December 9th- friday

I think sally has been getting all her friend to say hi and acknowledge me in the halls. She's trying to be friendly, but it's not working. I want to finish my high school career in peace. she was nice enough to leave me alone for 3 years, why is she starting to bother me now?

Friend number 1 started talking to me in English. I pretended that I was asleep.

Friend number 2 came up to me in Math and started talking about the weather. I think I gave her a look of diguist, because after a few seconds she got up and walked away.

Friend number 3 threw a note at me in american government. THREW. it landed between my eyes. IT COULD HAVE POKED OUT AN EYE! I looked in the direction it came from, she said, "oops." and gave this little wave. I opened it and it said, "take care because i care."

that was it. and i hope there is no more attempts to talk to me.

chapter 4- December 5- monday

First day of driving. pretty uneventful. that's a good thing.

some of the regulars in the parking lot asked me about my car. "what year is it?" i shrugged. i dodged all their questions. They don't care about the car, they just want me to speak so they can talk to their little friends about it.

Nate and James answered all their questions though. Oh the joys of having siblings. they talked about it excitedly and Nate whispered to them that after i leave the car was all his. Like the guys in the parking lot really cared.

"Lindy?" James asked while walking into the school. I looked at him to let him know that he had my attention. "Why don't you ever talk?" I raised my eyes over his head and said, "I do talk, now go to class."

He gave me a small smile and ran to class with his backpack jumping up and down. He's a freshman. Didn't know what to expect. Didn't know that his older sister was constantly being talked about.

They think that I don't know. But I do. I feel the eyes following me when I walk in the halls. everytime i ignore someone, or give them short quick answers, i know what I'm doing.

It has to be this way. No ties are better than having too many. Does that make sense? Probably doesn't. I don't care.

Chapter 3- December 4th- Sunday

How can i have respect for them, if they dont have respect for me? Maybe it was the way we were raised. They are all part of the normal family and I'm the freak. The obscenity. I'm the one that they wish they could forget.

Some say that I'm being way too harsh on myself, but I'm not. This is the way it is. I'm not going to sugar coat it. I have bad self-esteem. That's normal for a 17 year old teenager.

Another week of school starts tomorrow. One more semester and I'm out of their world. I plan on moving out the second I graduate. It's the way it's supposed to be. I know it.

I'll probably see Sarah at school. Always peppy, she's a cheerleader, she has to be. But when she makes eye contact with me, her eyes fill with pity. And we just can't have that. When I try to blend in, she makes me feel like the freak that I am meant to be.

The parents found the car. It's a junk-bucket alright. Since I had no expectations this was a pleasant surprise. It's this crazy shade of light blue. I get to drive to school tomorrow. James and Nate go to Glacier High with me. and Lena goes to Glacier Elementary.

We live in California. What kinda name is Glacier High School. There is rarely rain, let alone snow.

Chapter 2

December 1st- later

The meeting ended shortly after. The parents informed me that they would be purchasing a used car through the Pennysaver. I was okay with that. I didn't expect a brand new car to appear in our driveway tomorrow. A junk-bucket will get me to and from the places I need to go.

Lena tried to hold my hand as we went back to our room. She keeps trying. and I still deny her. It hurts. She is the only one trying. I really should hold her hand. But I don't.

I was sitting at the dining room, attempting to do my homework, when the parents came in. Father gave me the responsibility speech, "Be careful, we are trusting you with a car. Be a defensive driver, don't have faith in the other drivers. You don't know if they are under the influence."

Wow, he told me not to have faith in the other drivers. I wonder if he has faith in me. I just nodded. Mother smiled and said, "the car is on your terms, but bne respectful to your brother and sisters."

Chapter 1

December 1st

"Family meeting in the living room." Mother told me firmly. I rolled my eyes and sighed. All family meeting did was turn everyone against each other. Words get screamed across the room and feelings get hurt. Why do they keep insisting on them if nothing ever gets done.

But I don't question it. I never question it. I just do what I'm told and keep to myself. It's the only way I can survive.

The four kids and myself piled into the living room. The parents came into the room trying to dominate it and gain our attention. They grasped their clipboards and Father began, "This meeting is going to be about Lindy's car."

Lindy. That's me. My car? I don't have one. The youngers started to squable, Nate the 2nd oldest yelled out, "WHAT? I don't have a car yet." Mother smiled and said, "It might be because you don't have your license. Remember, you are only fifteen. Lindy is going to get a car so it's easier on us. She can help out with chores like, taking you or picking you up from practices, grocery shopping, stuff like that."

Nate, Lena, and James all stared at me. Nate finally gained the courage to ask, "So what do you think about this?" I looked at him and said slowly, "Just give me a two day notice if you need to go anywhere."

Lena, the youngest, looked at me and asked, "You can take me to go to Melody's house to play?" I whispered, "Yes."

This is what I have to do. Accept everything. Take the responsibility of everything that happens in this house.